Marriage and Relationships Quotes

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words "we need to talk about our relationship" may help.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

God save us all from wives who are angels in the streets, saints in the church, and devils at home.

As soon as Eve ate the apple of wisdom, she reached for a fig leaf. When a woman begins to think, her first thought is of a new dress.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul I have not been able to answer the great question . . . what does a woman want?

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.

To the philosopher, time is one of the fundamental quantities. To the average man, time has something to do with dinner.

Failing to be there when a man wants her is a woman's greatest sin, except to be there when he doesn't want her.

The husband may be the head of the household, but the wife is the neck.

A wife was asked, "Does your husband believe in life after death?" Her reply was "Hah! He doesn't even believe in life after supper!"

One husband told his wife on their golden anniversary "Fifty years ago today, your daddy put a shotgun to my head, and said that if I didn't marry you, he'd put me in jail for the next 50 years. If I had listened to him, I'd be a free man tomorrow."

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.

It is a sad house where the hen crows louder than the cock.

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup,
whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up!

Marriage is made in heaven, but so is thunder and lightning.

A wife is to thank God her husband has faults . . . A husband without faults is a dangerous observer.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a $100 and said, "Buy yourself something that will make your life easier." So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, two of which were just napping.

The new bride was shy. Before they checked into the honeymoon hotel, she told the groom not to tell anyone they were newlyweds. The next morning she came down to the lobby and all the other guests stared at her. At the breakfast table, she said to her new husband, "I asked you not to tell anyone we were newlyweds." The groom said, "I didn't. I told them we were just good friends!"

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relatives.

In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay.

There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put a marker on the site.

Never exaggerate your faults; your friends will attend to that.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Social tact is making your company feel at home, even though you wish they were.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as it was in Samson's time.

We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.

Home is a place where, when you go to it, they have to take you in.

How sad it is that we give up on people who are just like us.